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“Lost Angels[The Discovery]” Live Action>Short  CHECK IT!!!

To all of those that actually care about me I could use all of the positive vibes you can send my way. I fell at work cuz I was so busy doing my job I failed to look down at the poorly mopped floor in the kitchen, stupid me!

On 9/19/2014 I fell at work, face down. I have a really bad concussion and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better. Headaches, other stupid problems like randomly forgetting people’s names, something I have always been good at remembering.  My right shoulder is fractured, incredible contusions, and my vertebrae>2,3,4…

I am just asking as one person to another. You don’t have to like me, just as one human being to another, please send good vibes my way because this sucks.

Hillary Clinton fell and ended up with a bad concussion 2 years ago; Lynn Redgrave fell and had a bad concussion summer of 2011 I believe, then died. That same year 2 other prominent individuals fell and died, one of whom was a Kennedy.

I’m not saying I’m going to die, although there might those who wish I would, LOL (sense of humor trying to lighten this up a bit). I’m only illustrating examples to let people know how serious this is.

Thank you from my heart of hearts for being friends with me.
And have a great week!
Renn Reed

PS Can’t give up, it’s all I have so we are still hard at work in Post Production on “Lost Angels” the movie in spite of everything, so no worries.  Actually had a great shoot with 2 of the “Bad Guys” a week ago, 11/4/2014!

So I apologize that I haven’t blogged in a couple of months.  I have been extremely busy what with my day job at Osceola McDonald’s and my company work when I get home.  Mark’s Bell’s Palsy started acting up again in May 2014 and so we had to make some hard decisions.   One of those decisions is my workload is going to be increasing greatly with my company.

I already wear about 25 “hats” so-to-speak between shooting, editing, compositing, marketing, advertising, etc. to web design, etc.  Now I am studying hard to wear several other “hats”.  Although it is very true that I have done and still work in 3D, animation, and special effects as can be seen in our trailer at our website:  Up until now I have been able to leave the majority of this work to Mark.  He is very good at it.

Due to the depth perception problems Bell’s Palsy causes I am trying to read everything I can get my hands on regarding Lightwave 3D, Poser Pro 2014, Daz, etc. because now I will be wearing these hats too.  My learning curve is a steep one and since the very bad car accident I was in even more so. So these past few months where I haven’t been blogging as usual I have been reading and studying instead.  Life is full of trade-offs after all and I only have just so much time.  We had hoped to submit to the 2015 SFF.  That isn’t going to happen this year.

But to make matters worse Dunn and Bradstreet has listed our business as inactive, plus listed us with not entirely accurately as of June 2014.  I do not understand people who do not do their jobs accurately.  How hard is it to “get it right” when it’s right there in the database.  So here it is folks, we are active and working hard on our movie “Lost Angels”.  Our information at IMDbPro is accurate the last time I checked so you can get our contact there if you don’t go to our website.

And in addition we appreciate absolutely everyone who is sending good vibes our way.  Mark is better it’s just slow going right now due to the depth perception issues in one eye.  So please keep the positive energy coming and again, I am truly sorry that another year is passing where we are not going to be able to submit to SFF.

Best to you all!


I want to thank everyone for their supportive comments.  At the end of the day, good or bad day, your comments always make me feel better and definitely help me.  Truly, I started this blog and made it intentionally hard to find because I just needed an easy place to think and write to myself.  Like many people who focus on things that are important to them I try to maintain a GHF (glass half full) type of attitude.  But after all I am only human.  It’s alright that 2 very old friends of mine named “Bakel” and Sana (Sandra) think that I whine and complain too much.  It’s even alright that my sister Robin says that nobody wants to hear about my music, or my movie, “Lost Angels” and what we’re doing.

What does get to me though are those that bend over backwards to interfere with our efforts to simply have a life.  We love what we do and Mark and I are very grateful for having the talents and patience to learn to do all of the creative things we do.  We don’t pretend to know it all, nor do we pretend that we can do it all.  We simply try to do our very best given what we do have.

I am still hoping, Mr. Redford and Sundance Film Festival, to submit to the 2015 SFF.  But here’s the thing… Mark has suffered terribly from the different medical situations he has endured.  From falling twice at Wal*Mart thanks to management rushing him to hurry, hurry (even though they know one leg is one inch shorter than the other thanks to Cerebral Palsy)!  These two falls in one day about 18 months ago caused 4 vertebrae in his neck to have serious issues for which he was supposed to have surgery for last year.  Mark opted out of surgery because he would have been crippled for life, the way his doctors put it.  So… then in October he develops Bell’s Palsy.

Well he begins to see better out of his left eye (the side of his face that was affected) and by March he begins to work in 3D again and therefore work on our computer heavy movie, “Lost Angels”.  So things are beginning to look up then 3 weeks ago the Bell’s Palsy acts up again and Mark’s depth perception is not what it should be, for anything.  So last Thursday we’re eating dinner and we’re talking about the movie and I ask him how it’s going because our schedules don’t necessarily allow us to work together on it.  That’s when I learn that the Bell’s Palsy has kicked in badly again.

Now you might say, well Renn how is it you don’t know this?  And I would tell you how good Mark is at masking how he is feeling.  I work at McDonald’s now and although my hours are comparable to his we don’t necessarily have the same days off, but even so when we do we are usually doing different things like most couples.  So… here’s the thing, we really need good vibes focused our way.  We need good thoughts sent our way, still.

Sundance you’re the best in so many ways, your grants, your festival, all of the labs and other educational opportunities for the filmmaker.  I am so grateful for that one very special email where you told me you became fans of our project.  How these words have bolstered my spirits, even now.  Because I am now going to have to do 3D and animation, and work in special effects.  I don’t pretend to be all that and then some.  I’m just trying to make a movie here in honor of our best friend Steven J. Campbell.  And even though I have worked on the movie in 3D like the opening scene with the earth and sunrise, and done some of the special effects like the laser is all eye-balled and line of sight.  I’m not Mark and I know this all too well.

Now I realize that my brother-in-law Joe thinks this is some kind of pipe dream, fine, whatever.  But at least we’re are trying and working to make our dreams come true.  That’s got to mean something in the bigger picture of life.  We can’t choose our family, we can’t change the “curve balls” life throws at us.  But some times… some times simply pursuing what’s important, to us, is just good enough.

I want to thank all of our sponsors: Newtek Inc., Smith Micro, Eyeon, JVC, Sony Creative Software, Write Brothers, Anton Bauer, Lowel-Light Mfg, Bulbtronincs, Dynamic Realities, Media Distributors (The Tape Company), + so many others like The Knuckle Saloon Sturgis, SD, the State of South Dakota, Dan Ablan, “3D” John, Cody, etc.

So Mr. Redford, Mr. Cooper, Anne Lai, and all of you that have been so kind and thoughtful I thank you all.  I thank all those that read my blogs in the positive light they were each written in.

I thank also want to thank all of the following: Warner Brothers, Malpaso and Mr. Clint Eastwood, Willis Brothers Films, Jerry Bruckheimer, Disney, Radar Pictures, Creative Artists Agency, Kuei Ya-Lei, Bruce Willis, and so many more…

We are working and working hard.  I am learning, and working hard to learn more.  Our goal is to have the “10 minute” live action drama short ready by September for submission to the 2015 SFF.  Let’s all cross our fingers, toes, eyeballs, whatever you can and send good vibes our way to get it done in time.
Thanks so much everyone for noticing us, being supportive of us, thank you!

In the mean time take good care of yourselves including your loved ones.  You never know what life will throw your way next.
Best to you all,


Does anyone know what an Oligarchy is?!  It’s a government by a few powerful people.

How about a Democracy?! A system of government by freely elected representatives of the people.

And do any of us actually understand what a Republic is?!
A system of government where final authority is given to all citizens entitled to vote and is carried out by representatives elected directly or indirectly by these citizens.

So why am I asking these questions and mentioning The Constitution of the United States of America, AND The Sundance Film Festival all simultaneously in my title beginning with Professor Louis Michael Seidman?

Many of you have commented that you want to read more about all of this.  Fine let’s dialogue here and now then.  Prof. Seidman how do you want to be remembered?… Two years from now?  Twenty years from now?…  Two hundred years from now?…  You state that our fore fathers are obsolete and that they knew nothing of our era today.  I find that interesting given how similar their environment was to ours today.  Let us discuss “Free Speech” or in other words, the First Amendment of our Constitution here in The United States of America.

Senator Ted Cruz (Republican-Texas) speaking before a group (Watchmen on the Wall) of Christian “Pastors” said Senate Democrats are trying to pass legislation, Senate Joint Resolution 19, that if approved in a vote sometime this year would limit free speech and repeal the First Amendment of our Constitution.


The Tea Party-backed senator said Senate Democrats intend to vote this year on Senate Joint Resolution 19, which would effectively undo the unpopular U.S. Supreme Court decisions on campaign financing in the Citizens United and McCutcheon cases.

“I am telling you, I am not making this up,” Cruz said. “Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) has announced the Senate Democrats are scheduling a vote on a constitutional amendment to give Congress the authority to regulate political speech, because elected officials have decided they don’t like it when the citizenry has the temerity to criticize what they’ve done.”

“They don’t like it when pastors in their community stand up and speak the truth,” he added.

…“I’ll note this amendment, which has 41 Democratic senators as co-sponsors – 41 Democrats have signed on to repealing the First Amendment,” Cruz said, as an audience member loudly protests. “It explicitly says nothing in this new amendment shall abridge the freedom of the press.”

“So the New York Times is protected, but it doesn’t say the same thing about the freedom of speech,” Cruz said. “It doesn’t say the same thing about religious liberty, what is says it that politicians in Washington have unlimited constitutional authority to muzzle each and every one of you if you’re saying things the government finds inconvenient.”

Cruz had not been scheduled to appear at the conference, but he showed up to introduce his father, Rafael Cruz, an ordained minister who spoke at the conference.

The amendment proposed by Sen. Tom Udall (D-NM) would allow the federal government and states to once again regulate the raising and spending of money in elections, as they did before the Citizens United decision.

So I ask you all to pass the word to your friends, your families, etc. You see when we begin to limit our freedom of speech how do we rightfully protest that which is wrong?  How do we speak up about that which we are against?  The Sundance Film Festival gives everyone an equal opportunity to voice their beliefs, their creativity via film.  My live action movie “Lost Angels[The Discovery]” currently being re-edited, falls creatively outside the SFF box.  It is about heart, soul, and that which speaks to us most.  And yet,  …we became “fans of your project”.

And although Senator Cruz seems to join in with other noted fear-mongers’ with politically famous names.  Yet the truth is our representatives, elected by us “We The People”, seem to pass or approve a lot of pieces of legislation every year that most of us are unaware of.  Why?  Are any of you versed in the legislation President O’ Bama signed in 2012 giving the green-light to drones?  How about The Patriot Act?  The Digital Media Copyright Act?

So IF this piece of legislation, Senate Joint Resolution 19, actually passes the House and the Senate of the United States of America and proceeds to limit our “speech”.  Where does speech begin, and where does it end?  Is the pen truly mightier than the sword?  Will it change how we voice our thoughts?  The art we do whether it be painting or films?  How about music?  The (Christian driven) Moral Majority back in the 1980’s pushed for pieces of legislation that still haunt us today.  Where does “limiting” our speech end?  Why was it that Tipper Gore and her co-horts were able to get their feet not only in the jaded back doors of Congress in essence giving the boot to the rest of us voicing opposition to their demands for censure and such.

To this day I am at a loss as to how art has become “Porn”… meaning have any of you been to Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas, Nevada and seen the beautiful statue replica’s?  When I lived there during the 1990’s these statue’s were normal piece’s of art, naked and beautiful.  Somewhere during the mid to late 1990’s these statue’s suddenly sprouted clothes.  So where does limiting speech begin, and where does it end?  Seems to me the “Oligarchy” rules the world, you know the rich, the well-connected, those with power and influence.  Look what happened to Occupy Wall Street… they got some funding, a website, and do we really hear anything from them anymore?

I am of the belief that we can actually respectfully disagree with one another, and that it is our right as American’s to do so.  Even if that “Other” is a politician, a corporate leader, an artist, or a filmmaker.  I’m not trying to play Devil’s advocate here but even God allows us to choose what’s right and what’s wrong and gives us until we die the opportunity to make things right.  Who is Chuck Schumer, or Ted Cruz, or some Pastor at the Watchmen on the Wall, or… Tipper Gore for that matter to think that they know better as to how we should speak, what we should say.  Or maybe more importantly, NOT say?!

I think a lot of your rockers, be they heavy metal or just plain hard rock musician’s, gave up on writing, performing, and touring back in the 1980’s because of the legislation Tipper Gore and her group imposed on the rest of us.  It’s great to see some of them are performing again.  President Clinton loves music be it jazz, classical, or rock n’ roll, maybe even Miley Cyrus?!  Who knows.  He is an articulate man that if push comes to shove could verbally put one in their place and never use profanity but shake you to your soul.

Are the powers that be gonna choose our nouns, verbs, and adjectives for you?  Or are they going to pick a panel to discuss the words we can and cannot use, then compile a manual, and then mandate that we all memorize how we are to speak from thence forward?!  Does any of Ted Cruz’s speech sound reminiscent of days gone by like, oh, book burnings?  Both Mao and Hitler burned books.  Books use words, clearly these world leader’s did not like the words in the books that they burned.  Does that mean that the internet or parts thereof will suddenly crash or burn because some government over-site panel doesn’t like my blogs, your blogs,, cnn, abc news, nbc news, cbs news, fox news, etc.?

Will I then be considered for and put on a “Black” list, or worse yet, a “Person-of-Interest” list, such as McCarthy who scared the heebie-jeebies out of everyone in the 1950’s with McCarthyism [*Wikipedia* McCarthyism is the practice of making accusations of disloyalty, subversion, or treason without proper regard for evidence. It also means “the practice of making unfair allegations or using unfair investigative techniques, especially in order to restrict dissent or political criticism.”[1] The term has its origins in the period in the United States known as the Second Red Scare, lasting roughly from 1950 to 1956 and characterized by heightened political repression against communists, as well as a fear campaign spreading paranoia of their influence on American institutions and espionage by Soviet agents. Originally coined to criticize the anti-communist pursuits of U.S. Senator Joseph McCarthy of Wisconsin, “McCarthyism” soon took on a broader meaning, describing the excesses of similar efforts. The term is also now used more generally to describe reckless, unsubstantiated accusations, as well as demagogic attacks on the character or patriotism of political adversaries.?

During the McCarthy era, thousands of Americans were accused of being communists or communist sympathizers and became the subject of aggressive investigations and questioning before government or private-industry panels, committees and agencies. The primary targets of such suspicions were government employees, those in the entertainment industry, educators and union activists. Suspicions were often given credence despite inconclusive or questionable evidence, and the level of threat posed by a person’s real or supposed leftist associations or beliefs was often greatly exaggerated. Many people suffered loss of employment and/or destruction of their careers; some even suffered imprisonment. Most of these punishments came about through trial verdicts later overturned,[2] laws that would be declared unconstitutional,[3] dismissals for reasons later declared illegal[4] or actionable,[5] or extra-legal procedures that would come into general disrepute.

The most famous examples of McCarthyism include the speeches, investigations, and hearings of Senator McCarthy himself; the Hollywood blacklist, associated with hearings conducted by the House Un-American Activities Committee (HUAC); and the various anti-communist activities of the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) under Director J. Edgar Hoover. McCarthyism was a widespread social and cultural phenomenon that affected all levels of society and was the source of a great deal of debate and conflict in the United States.]

This article above states: The proposal stands virtually no chance of gaining the required two-thirds House and Senate majorities needed for approval, and is essentially an election-years stunt intended to highlight that Republicans favor unfettered funding.The amendment proposed by Sen. Tom Udall (D-NM) would allow the federal government and states to once again regulate the raising and spending of money in elections, as they did before the Citizens United decision.

Seriously folks, people like Ted Cruz, Chuck Schumer, Tipper Gore, Senator McCarthy, and others who support fear-mongering, limiting our rights and freedom’s.  These are individuals who have in many cases been elected to represent us and are failing miserably.  Look at our economy and the prices we pay at the grocery stores, or for gasoline to get to and from work.  How about property taxes?  Our elected officials seem to think home owner’s have unlimited budgets to pay for their legislative whims!  Do we really need more Tipper Gore’s or the like?  I’m not suggesting anything other than to really think about all of this especially during an election year.

Words have power and with power comes responsibility.  I try very hard to use my words as politely as possible and still get the message across.  You do the same and pass this message on please because we have only one United States of America and it’s time we took responsibility for what “We The People” believe in, and how we should live in it.  I believe that I have the right to oppose what you believe in (politely of course) just as I believe you have the right to oppose what I believe in (hopefully politely, of course).

Any of you see the movie, “The American President” with Michael Douglas and Annette Bening? Check It!  It speaks loud and clear.





I went to see Captain America: The Winter Soldier last night. Excellent movie, as good as all the Transformers movies, Terminator series, Star Trek, the list is endless.

So why then are some of the critics so unhappy, or displeased that Robert Redford is in this wonderful movie?! I say it’s as simple as personal preferences. However on a different extreme of the Hollywood movie star spectrum one might speculate that the critiquing powers that be want to destroy a movie star’s golden career because he chose to step outside his creative box.

Robert Redford played a role that suits his acting nature in a movie creatively distant from his comfort zone. That’s a good thing, my opinion. It tells me he wants to grow, expand his horizons, and continue trying new experiences instead of stagnating.

The sculptor Michelangelo once said when he was in his 70’s or 80’s that he was just beginning to become the artist he wanted to be. Next time you make a choice whether it’s dinner, a date out, out a movie. Are you going to listen to a critic or to yourself? Are you going to do “the same ‘ole, same ‘ole…” or be adventurous?

Everytime I’ve listend to my gut I’ve never gone wrong. Kudos Robert Record for being adventurous and still young at heart. You played an evil business man great!

Posted By Blogger to Renn Reed’s Official Blog at 5/06/2014 08:31:00 PM

It’s been a very cold, hard winter for some of us.  Normally the ground in Iowa is frozen only 2 feet down.  But this year it is 4 feet down.   No matter we’ve continued hard at work on “Lost Angels” and Mark and I are very appreciative for all of the interest we’ve had since he lost all of his 3D models last year.  Right after I blogged about how am I going to work in 3D thanks to the Bell’s Palsy he fell ill to, we lost his hard drive full of all of our 3D models for our movie + the special effects he had done when he was on leave of absence (LOA).

But we are moving forward and working hard regaining ground with at the very least 3 key scenes using 3D models to a point, including, of course, the appropriate special effects.  Life seems to be full of these discouraging up’s and down’s.  The trick really seems to be in figuring out how to deal with the constant bombardment of “Life Happens” crap that gets thrown in our way.  It isn’t realistic to expect one to be upbeat and GHF (glass half full) all of the time.  I have gotten much better at this though in recent years I think because I look at the quality of life that I want.  I realize the youth view me as old and this reminds them of what they have to look forward to but don’t want to think about.  The older person(s) out there view my efforts as trying to re-live my youth, or as my brother-in-law Joseph Henry Lilly III put it, living a pipe dream.

Whatever, right?!  It’s my life and if I can make that honest effort towards honest, good goals who cares?  Why criticize me, after all I’m at least trying.  The goal is to complete the task, to fulfill the dreams Mark and I have.  If Joe wants to poo-poo my efforts, or anyone else for that matter again I say, whatever!!!  It’s springtime and the energy is very good.  It has been an honor to have our script at Clint’s company, and Bruce’s company.  The angels above watch over us all and being from California I know that that can’t be easy even if it’s how things are suppose to be.  Sometimes I wonder if they’re as overworked as we are given how many of us there are down here on Earth.

The 2015 Sundance Film Festival is gearing up for a new year, and we can join in or say all that negative stuff that bounces around in all of our heads.  That negative stuff is hard to knock out of us sometimes but focus is key.  Focusing on the goals at hand doesn’t leave time for all of that crap that depresses us, plunges us downward into a bitter spiral taking us to what is only a very bad place if we allow that journey to continue.  So I say to Joe and my sister Robin, whatever!  I am making my movie in honor of Steve.  I am making the music for my movie in honor of Steve.  I shall continue to plug away and find a way to get it all right.   I am a filmmaker, I am committed to my goals.

Spring comes each year and with it the hope for the adventure of one’s goals, the journey to make one’s life better even if it’s only just a little bit.  A little bit is better than none, so I move forward.  Mark and I move forward.  You want to make fun of us, fine.  The master artist’s of old used to say when they were older, like Michelangelo for example, when he was in his 70’s and 80’s that he felt he was just beginning to understand art.  Just at the beginning of learning and developing his art, what he had been doing all his life.  If it takes me my whole life to complete this one movie and I do it right, then it is time well spent.  Therefore a lifetime well spent.  Here’s to success, GHF everyone!

When you decide to do something, think on it, study it, look at it from all angles including the dreaded, “… what if I don’t make it!?  What if I fail!?”

We all make mistakes don’t we?  The key is to know your abilities, know where your learning curves are and how to get them where they need to be, should be, to be a success.  Every time I consider my weak spots I study even more, pick at the work I have already done trying to view it from someone else’s point-of-view.  For example how would Michael Mann do this, or Jon Turtletaub, Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, the list is endless.

But really how do we pick ourselves up when we’ve fallen, and in some cases we fall hard.  The questions range from, “what did I do wrong, get wrong?” to maybe for some, what did I say?!?  Was I arrogant when in fact I was just feeling good about myself?  Or was I actually thinking I AM better than…  As a freelance journalist I sometimes wondered what it would be like to work for abc, nbc, cbs, but realized early on that the spin some news organizations put on news isn’t something I could do.

I am not Diane Sawyer, Barbara Walters, Brian Williams, Peter Jennings, Huntley, or Brinkley, etc.  I love journalism and good solid news.  But I’m no where near the journalists that they are.  I know this and accept this.  But the handful of stories I’ve done can stand on their own merits.

These questions are all valid even if we don’t think of them, someone else will like a critic.  Or if we are lucky to have a good friend, our good friend will think of it, AND mention it to us.  I mean what we believe should be, isn’t usually that way.  How many of us have had food in our teeth and no one tells us, but how embarrassing that can be like if we’re going to a job interview.  Or have you ever gotten dressed (guys) and forgotten that you’ve gone to work and forgotten to zip your fly?

Details are key to success, but sometimes we can be too good.  Yes, I said too good.  Once I interpreted for a businessman from SD and we flew to China in  2004 to succeed where 3 previous interpreters had failed.  Meaning he wanted good deals, and good rapports with his suppliers.  On the flight back to the USA he told me I was crazy good.  This was before “crazy good” was popular in today’s language, (nowadays you hear it all over from the Today Show to American Idol’s Steven Tyler).

What is success versus what is failure?!  I feel now that I am slowly becoming a success at what I am doing.  But occasionally I am laughed at, read my blog comments and you’ll see for yourself.  (Oh well not everyone is going to agree with my perspectives).  But that being said we each have to define what success and what failure is, for ourselves.  AND then move towards tweaking those definitions because things change, we change, society and societies idea’s change.

Look at how prior to 9/11 most were not afraid.  Now most everyone is and they buy into idea’s like we need drones, or idea’s perpetrated by Georgetown Universities’ Louis Michael Seidman [] in this world who claim that the Constitution is no longer valid and that we live in a different era.  Well it is true that this is a different time.  But freedom is freedom whether it’s the dark ages or the 21st century.

We all want what we want and the real trick is to do just that.  Like for example, how do I make a movie like the “Big Boyz” of Hollywood when they’ve made it impossible for me to get a foot in the door.  How do we protest the status quo’s of this world without shooting ourselves in the foot? Those that are in positions of power have usually been there a long time and plan on staying.  There are those that would see us as the competition rather than thinking outside the box about how there really is room for all of us.  Age, race, socio-economics, religion, etc.  shouldn’t be an issue IF you have what it takes.

Do I have what it takes?  I hope so.  But no matter what I’m pushing onward and forward.  I am growing into all of the “hats” that I wear slowly but surely.  But most of all I DO NOT want to become arrogant> self confident but humble and willing to learn, do better if need be.  That’s a good balance.  I just finished building my sixth computer, (all because of  hackers).  I began learning when I was still ill with cancer, but it was “intellectual” learning (reading/studying) at that time.  I didn’t actually begin DOING the work myself until 2008 when I lost my first computer to hackers.  So Mike Plante was right.  When you have experience you know things.  Can’t know everything, but you know things. Still it’s important to continue to be open to learning otherwise you become obsolete, irrelevant, and potentially laughed at.

So for all of those who laugh at me, my goals, my works, it’s fine.  Have a good laugh, it’s on me.  I haven’t failed but rather grown, learning still, working and learning hard to grow some more and get it right!  I will get it right and that is my decision, my definition, to get it right and who cares?  I care.  After all I’m doing this for me in honor of Steve and all he has done for me, for us.  I have a message to tell, stories for the ages.  Who cares?  I do.  I decide. I define me.  I am not going to let the age-ists, race-ists, socio-economic-ists, religion-ists, etc. get me down and out-of-sorts.  My life is mine, I own me, I own it.  I deserve to have a good life and that is what I am working so hard for.  The journey along the way is but a plus.

I thank all of those who believe in me and my work.  Thanks so much for all of your positive vibes.  KEEP THEM COMING!

Happy New Year!


I find it very interesting, sometimes even amusing, when people claim they have never participated in the questionable be it theft, lying, bullying, over-charging, pornography, etc.  [There are just too many questionable things out there to name them all, right?]

For example I have family who like to tell people how awful I am, and then proceed to spell out to whomever they are chatting with, what in their minds that is.  Some of them grew up using drugs sometimes upwards of 3 or 4 times per week when they were in school.   My sister liked to call me a “prude” because I chose to follow a different drum.   Now her choices were hers.  No one “put a gun to their heads” so to speak forcing these choices.  Robin was my sister, still is, but… I never judged her, never said bad things about her, yet because I made different choices she would claim I was judging her, simply because my choices were different.  I didn’t then, don’t now, nor have I ever believed I was better than her.  So I find it very interesting that she has sat in judgement of me.  When I used to call her and friends would occasionally answer the telephone from time to time.   Logically they would ask who is calling and when I told them I was her sister they would respond with, oh…  you, in a rude manner.

I chose to basically abstain from intimacy as I didn’t want to get pregnant, or have a bad reputation.  Or in another situation I really felt that it wasn’t my place to interfere with someone’s relationship.  I wasn’t being “holier than thou” or “superior” or a “prude”.  It just was the right thing to do in my mind, like not using someone just because they might be rich, or famous, or well connected.  I didn’t use drugs because I didn’t see a need for them.  These were my choices.  It had nothing to do with thinking I was better.  Even now my last efforts to build a working rapport with my sister (which ended about 2 years ago) didn’t go well.  So I have given up on the whole concept that with time comes wisdom.  I only ask myself why she hates me so much?  Why it is that she doesn’t understand that I am merely trying to understand 60 years of her flagrant hatred towards me on so many levels.  She likes to claim that “I dwell on the past”, or “don’t let go of stuff”.  So please explain to me like I’m a 2 year old why you are so proud of your daughter-in-law who speaks Chinese and travels for her company back and forth to China.  Why not me when I have been an interpreter helping to negotiate business deals for over 30 years, and sometimes with world leaders not just corporate.

Well I suppose it is fair to say that one could view my thoughts with this type of perspective.  But really that’s not it.  So let’s say you’re out and about maybe at the mall doing some Christmas shopping.  And over hear someone chatting with someone else and they sound rather superior, maybe even sound bitchy too.  Are they a bitch?  Do you really have the background on this person to make that decision?  Now I will admit that I have definitely sounded bitchy at times, maybe even looked bitchy at times, eek!  I remember when I had cancer (circa 1987-1999) there were a lot of times that I sounded and probably looked like a bitch because of how sick I was.  Sad but true.  But I can tell you truthfully that whenever I realized that I was being “bitchy” I felt awful, even if I still felt bitchy, and I would say to the one(s) that I had been bitchy to, ” You probably won’t believe me ‘cuz of how I just spoke to you, but I am really sorry about treating/speaking to you that way.  I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I hope so”.

I am a lot like my writings, I am who I am.  People can say what they want about me and sometimes when it hurts badly enough, I cry.  I still cry about how my family hates me whether it’s Robin, her husband Joe, my two daughters LauRenn and Jade, or my cousins.  They will say no, they don’t it is the politically correct thing to do after all.  But when Jade was in a car accident a couple of years ago and I sensed something was wrong and called.  I was directed to the hospital where she was being checked out and the nurses put Robin on the telephone.  Robin didn’t call me, and what’s more she asked why I was calling.  I told her I love Jade and asked why she didn’t tell me about the accident… Unfortunately all of my efforts to get to the nuts and bolts of their feelings towards me have resulted in zero, diddly squat, nada, zip, etc.  Cousin Tim hung up on me and told me to never call again.  Pat, his brother, told me to hang up so that he wouldn’t have to hang up on me.  Denny who’s now dead and gone would speak to me, but not believe anything I said and then talk and laugh behind my back.  I know this because he told me this several months before I learned he died.

The interesting thing I learned from my conversations with Denny is this.  After my maternal grandmother passed in 1982 (whose Will I was in and the main beneficiary of, as she and grandpa George had told me when I was 14 visiting in Oregon one year).  Interestingly I was never called, or informed by any means about the reading of the Will.  My sister, cousins, aunts and uncles all went.  Funny too because I was living in Los Angeles, California at that time and my sister, my dad, and others new this, and had my phone number.  But yet never once did anyone call me, especially the lawyer.  Why is that, why didn’t the lawyer telephone?  Well now given that my aunt Carol had been the executrix of my grandmother’s Will you would have thought that she would’ve contacted me, right?  But no.   And since I was the one who asked my grandparents to please give an inheritance to all of the other family members when I learned I was the main beneficiary, clearly it has never been about the money for me.

Denny proceeded to tell me in 2008 how I never showed up at anyone’s funeral.  Not his mom’s, not his dad’s, not aunt Carol’s or uncle Gordon’s (her husband), and asked me why I didn’t even show up at my own father’s funeral in 1986?   I told him I didn’t know he had even passed, no one called me and told me.  Denny further proceeded to call me a liar and told me that he had been informed thus but apparently you simply chose not to go.  Nothing I have said has ever made any difference to anyone in my family.  Robin has had my telephone number always so if there’s an emergency she could call me.  She doesn’t call.  However when Denny died a year ago she did send an email.  Maybe that’s progress, time will tell.

So why bring this up now well it’s the holidays and no one calls me, no family member sends a greeting card (although it would probably be disingenuous anyway).   So I asked my sister during my last attempt to make a good rapport with her why she never contacted me about any of these family members’ deaths and funerals and her only response to me was, ” …well dad was cremated and we went out on a boat in the San Francisco Bay …then she paused and said… why should I be the one to call you?  Why couldn’t Denny, Tim, or Pat”?  I replied with, ” …so you went to dad’s funeral/cremation… AND oh, uh they didn’t have my telephone number”!

Look I believed my sister would do the right thing when it came to important things to me.  Obviously I was wrong.  I was wrong to believe in my family.  I was wrong to believe that with age comes a certain wisdom, maybe even forgiveness.  But I can say this that in as much as I have been terribly hurt by various family members, friends like Sana and Bakel (Ann), and my daughters LauRenn and Jade, that I am finally, actually getting past it all.

I became cancer free, I taught myself to walk again so I could take the bus to physical therapy in downtown LA, I got past all of the depression, and I am creating tools to deal with my PTSD.  So I believe strongly that I can get past all of the bullsh– dished out by my relatives.  I no longer believe in them but a part of me will always love them.  I’m trying to manage that now, get over it I mean.  It’s slow going as you see, but I am making head way a little at a time.  I no longer feel “ugly, fat, or stupid” like they all told me growing up.  Just one of the 2 mantra’s my sister and my parents drilled into me.  The other being, do it right the first time or don’t do it at all.  Do you know a kid that can walk right the first time up and not fall down, I don’t?  My parents were seriously disturbed people but they had tons of friends.  Guess they were doing something right, BS’ing maybe???

People like my cousin Tim who walk around calling people Toxic and say they won’t be around them because of how negative they are should get a reality check and see just how much they are contributing to the “Toxins” out there.  I agree that we need to surround ourselves with positive, good people.  But we also need to give back, pay it forward, this type of thing is very important otherwise where is the compassion, the “turn the other cheek”, the giving that God talks to us about.  There’s a huge difference between being a friend, or giving back, and getting mired in it all and stuck up on yourself.

I believed that this fellow who proposed to me although married, really loved me.  Maybe he did.  I’m wrong about a lot of things but it’s not easy for me to sit in judgement of others when I don’t know their situation.   My life is beginning to come together even though it may be slow.  But like the turtle, I plan on winning.  I still love “him”, always will love him and miss him so.  He told me not to go, I said I had too.  I was wrong.   Do I need to be judged by anyone, no.  People will say and do what they want.  I prefer to venture to suggest that just maybe his hands are tied, sometimes lies are easier to swallow because you don’t know for sure if you are lying to yourself?  You know it’s all hard to say, none of us has all of the pieces.

We screw up and we get up again.  We screw up and hopefully get up again.  Then there are those of us who fall down and don’t just hit the ground we slam into it head first ploughing through all of the gluck.  Who catches us?  Who helps us find our balls to slither out of all of the holes we’ve dug ourselves into?  Life is like war that way isn’t it?  Isn’t that why so many drink, or take drugs?  Isn’t that why there are those who can’t take the pain anymore and eliminate themselves from the face of this beautiful planet like Phoebe Prince and so many others who are in terrible pain?  And I don’t mean emotional pain only, but so many beautiful people killing themselves because they’re in such great pain.

My sweetie Mark has taught me how to deal with pain and I tell you there are no blueprints only determination, commitment, love, and moving forward trying to get past it all.  He and Steve are my hero’s and I will forever revere them for their determination, commitment, compassion, and love they’ve given to me to help me through so many painful experiences be it family, cancer, car accident…  It wasn’t until Wyoming 2009 that I began to feel some real hope and I have been blossoming again since. Re-learning what life is about, and what it’s for, and why it is important to feel hope, faith, and most of all love.  Sundance gave me hope, doesn’t matter that I didn’t make their program line-up.  Their email gave me faith, that I can make my movie and get it all right even if it’s slow going.  To give hope>which leads to faith>is love after all.  Doesn’t matter that it’s a stretch, there is hope now.  We all need hope>faith>and to love one another as I have loved you.  Do we remember the golden rule?  Do we practice it in our daily lives?

Media, press, all of you who pay attention to the Sundance Film Festival let’s move forward, let’s move on.  It’s Christmas time, it’s Ramadan, it’s soon going to be 2014, a new year.  You don’t have to stay mired in someone’s silly perception of nudity and art on film.  My relatives will always be related to me because we share the same blood after-all like it or not even if we don’t speak to one another.  You the media, the press, fans of Sundance, and others just move on and do what I am trying to learn to do, move on.  Forget the BS, forget the cute words and names people have gloated in using about SFF 2013.  Maybe 2014 SFF will be a hit, maybe not, maybe mediocre, who knows but they’re moving onward so shouldn’t we?  Do you really want to be a sheep rather than the leader?

After 30 years of giving us wonderful talents, great films, and opportunities we all have benefited in some form from Sundance like the channel, or the multitudes of film festivals that have sprung up over the years.  Mr. Redford doesn’t deserve to be kicked while trying to pick himself up from being shot down last year.  2014 is a new year let’s all make it the best year possible and just move on, all of us.  Maybe somewhere in the mix one of us will get it right.

We all live on this planet together and each of us will die here.  What do you want people to remember about you?  What is your legacy?  Mine is to survive well and keep the promises I have made to myself.  I will make this movie as well as I possibly can and honor our dear friend Steven J. Campbell.  I will love those truly that truly love me.  And maybe, just maybe… I will get lucky and hear from “him”, that one who said he loved me so, do you think you could ever love me the way that I love you?

I can’t predict the future but I can tell you this much, next year will bring me all the closer to getting over all of them.  All the “Haters”, all of the naysayer’s, all of the “toxic” people that I have wanted to build a good rapport with and find themselves unable to get past themselves to meet me half way.  You can’t make anyone care about you.  You can’t make people like you, love you, help you, or naturally we would all be in a much better place than this world is in now.  I can only make a difference in me.  And should something I do, hopefully something of a positive nature, affect or effect someone else in a positive way, more the power to us all I say.  This Earth needs goodness and mercy and love so very much.

Here’s to all of us trying to do just that.  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone!


Working out one’s personal baggage isn’t easy.  It’s hard, hard work.  I don’t think I have ever been one to take much of anything, or anyone for granted throughout my life on this Earth except maybe the love of my two daughters: LauRenn and Jade; and the couple of ladies I had deemed once to be my dearest friends: Sana Christian, Ann [Bakel] Wirsing, and Julia Pace.  I thought we were all very close and that I could count on them for almost anything.  As the years have passed I learned the hard way, I have been very, very wrong about all of them.

Some people say that taking someone for granted is as simple as expecting… expecting for example those things from them that they typically do in whatever your relationship with them is.  I don’t agree.  What people do typically in a relationship I define as trust, dependability, consistency, etc.  Sana for example told me two years ago that I was her best friend in the world.  I was rather chagrined at this remark as I had not had the opportunity to speak with her in several decades so I didn’t believe that this could be possible at all.  However I gave her the benefit of the doubt as we renewed an old friendship. Sometimes we chatted into the wee hours of the night getting caught up on all of the time we’d missed out on regarding each others lives.

I’ve always trusted her.  She told me she really missed me so I continued, although maybe naively , to trust her.  When I told her I was going to the Sundance Film Festival 2011 I asked her if she still knew anyone in Utah.  She said yes, and would find one of her friends there for me to stay with so I wouldn’t have to pay the outrageous lodging prices in the Park City, Utah area.  When late November/early December 2010 rolled around I called Sana to ask if she had had the time to find a friend I could “bunk” with for 2 nights and 3 days?  She didn’t answer any of my calls, or reply to any of my voice mails, even though she told me this was her “slow” time of the year.  Plans change.  It just would have been nice (considerate) if she simply would have told me.

By May 2011 I was finally able to get a hold of Sana and I asked her why she didn’t keep her word?  Why make this offer to help someone out, and then not even return my call to say something had come up and she couldn’t follow through?  Sana made a comment that to this day I don’t understand as it seemed out of context with the question.  She said she was jealous of the relationship that I have with my husband Mark.  I asked her why?  She had a wonderful family, very close friends who help her out when she needs help.  Why on Earth would my relationship with Mark be something to be jealous of?  She said she had been married twice and it didn’t work out (I only knew of her first marriage and husband).  I told her how sorry I was about it.  But added that you have a great family, brother and sisters, parents, cousins, etc. and great friends.  So I have something you want, and you have relationships I thought I had but don’t.  It’s all good.  She became quite upset, I then cried and tried to figure it all out with her while on the phone.  Bad idea.   We parted and haven’t spoken since.

I’ve thought about Sana a lot.  The word and relationship of “Friend” means a lot to me, and I cherish those that I deem friends.  Nothing is ever as simple as one explains when there is a falling out.  Her parents were like actual parents to me, and I felt most honored for their friendship as well.  All five of these women are treasures to me yet people who absolutely baffle me.  LauRenn, Jade, Sana, Bakel, Julia, I have chosen to distance myself from after repeated efforts to find a workable rapport with them.  My hope with Sana was to give back, or “Pay it forward”, whichever you choose to call it.  But to collaborate on my music with her, to include her in my movie with the hope of helping her career after all of the wonderful things she and her family have done for me.

I think all 5 are wonderful people who, for whatever reason, have very misconstrued idea’s about all that has transpired in my life.  So I think about some of the others in my life that I have been very close to and ask myself logical and basic questions like: if I were to run into them how would it go?  What beyond the usual pleasantries that are expected in getting updated, or reacquainted, would one dare to say?

I believe I am a genuinely grateful person.  When I think of the 12 years that I had cancer, the car accident of 1987 that caused me to not be able to walk for 6 months but God willing I was able to teach myself to walk again so I could get to physical therapy… and my abusive ex-husband, yeah, I’ve been blessed.  My two wonderful daughters that I once knew once upon a time, a long, long, time ago and still love very much too.  Who carried that Christmas tree home dragging in the street like the Charlie Brown cartoon at Christmas time.  So I have my moments when I feel discouraged like everyone else.  So what, I still make an honest and concerted effort to remember and focus on those positive times and experiences even if I have been baffled by people.

Moments like how my life would have been so very different had I simply accepted a wonderful man’s proposal of marriage when I was very young, about 20 something.  But he was married and I didn’t want to be “…that “other” woman…” imposing on his families lives.  So I do wonder if he remembers me at all, at least sometimes.   Each one of us has a story to tell.  Movies are stories… some are true, and some are not.  I believe that the people at Sundance try to do their best to make the right choices for their program line-ups. I believe they try to choose those they feel deserve the opportunities given all of the types of submissions they receive.  I believe that there are those that try to do right by the filmmakers with what they have to offer.  Maybe I am being too naive, again.

Stories are very personal either way and I believe with all of my heart that SFF and Mr. Redford given the circumstances of last years’ 2013  festival tried to choose well and deal with the submissions they had.  Okay there were those who scoffed and nicknamed Sundance, Porndance, but why?  Is an art film porn?  Tell me when you’ve seen a movie, just a regular movie and you watch the love scenes, or the romantic scenes like in the movie “It’s complicated” with Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin, is that porn?  Where and when does an artful film become porn?  Who makes these decisions, and who, more importantly, gave them that power to decide what is artful and what is porn?  The moral majority, churches, government?  Do we really want them meddling in our personal decision0-making?

Our Constitution is suppose to have certain rights which our Declaration of Independence refers to as inalienable rights.  Have you watched the movie “The American President”?  Being an American is not an easy choice you will have decisions to make, choices, sometimes daily decisions.  If you don’t like that “artful” movie don’t watch it.  Remember the saying “One man’s trash, is another man’s treasure”?  We all make mistakes, not one of us hasn’t made a big mistake in their life be it personal or professional, right Mr. Redford?

So big boyz of Hollywood, all of you entertainment journalists and your networks, media folks> be it internet or otherwise, Joe Public, etc. try to remember what Sundance has done these past 30 years.  Try to remember the many talents, the many wonderful stories>movies, and cut people a little slack.  Try to remember and focus on the good or the glass half full.  Only one year out of 30 years of Sundance talents and films became questionable, hm… that’s pretty darn good odds I would say.  Let’s not make this personal and be the professionals we claim to be.  By the way tell me, who hasn’t watched an artful film in their lives, or porn for that matter?  Answer me that.  I have known a lot of “Christians” and even “Muslims” and “Buddhists” that have watched, and liked porn.

They say the road to Hell is paved with good intentions then that might just explain why I’m still alive, neither Heaven or Hell wanted me, so they threw me back to get it right.   Come on everyone it’s the holiday season for some Christmas, others Hanukkah, or Ramadan, etc. and the Sundance program line-up for 2014 is about to be announced.  Let’s look to the future of filmmaking, not it’s past.  Look at the talents and consider the possibilities.  All film festivals have their place which is great for us all, and Sundance helped to pave the way.  Who knows maybe the 2014 SFF will bring us some surprising stories, or talents.  But give all of the negative a rest and let’s get back on track with a positive perspective.  Hugh Grant got a second chance after getting caught with Ms. Brown afterall.

All of the good memories of my daughters will always be tucked snugly in my heart where they will remain blanketed with my love.  My three once “best” friends likewise will always have a warm home in my thoughts and prayers.  And the one very special man that got away, well, I don’t know if he will ever know how much I have always cared for him but I pray for the angels to watch over him… always!

Happy Holidays Everyone! Have a very Merry Christmas and prosperous New Year to you all!